


Hold in your breath

by Qpenguin98



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Injury, Post-Season 2, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, i guess?, keith misses shiro
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-08
Updated: 2017-06-08
Packaged: 2018-11-11 00:05:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11137317
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Qpenguin98/pseuds/Qpenguin98
Summary: Keith tries to do what Shiro wanted, but it doesn't go as well as he hopes.





	Hold in your breath

Things feel a little bit off when Keith walks into the empty cockpit of the black lion. Like someone took the floor and tilted it. Shiro should be in that chair, but he’s not, and he’s not anywhere else in the lion or castle either.

He registers the others around him, talking, staring, but it’s dulled.

Not again, he thinks to himself. Not again.

The black bayard rests on the floor, and he picks it up, turning it over in his hands. It starts to activate and he drops it, the clang of the metal ringing in his ears.

Grief tries to wrap itself around his throat, edging out the shock, and he shakes it off, shoves it down where he can’t feel it.

“Allura, do you have any idea of how to find him?”

The room goes quiet and he can feel their eyes, piercing, suffocating, and shoves that down too.

“The suit is a possibility,” she says weakly. “But we have no idea how he even got out of the lion in the first place.”

“Can you check it?”

She pulls up a few things from the dash of Black and shakes her head. “There’s nothing.”

His hands fist at his sides and he swallows harshly. “Then what are we supposed to do?”

“Rest,” Coran pipes up from behind them. “You’ve all just fought an incredibly hard battle. You’ll have no chance finding Shiro like this.”

“The more time we waste not doing anything means more time Shiro’s being subjected to god knows whatever. We can’t just—”

“Keith,” Pidge says, voice wobbly. He looks down at them. “First thing in the morning I’ll start looking for signals, but we can’t- we can’t do it now. We’ll overlook something, and even if we don’t, we can’t fight like this.”

“Fine,” he says bitterly. “You all do that, and I’ll try and find him.”

“Buddy, you can’t just run yourself into the ground.” Hunk puts a hand on his shoulder and he shrugs it off.

“If I find him, it’ll be worth it.”

Lance is quiet, looking at him with this weird expression that tries to pull all the panic up from the bottom of his feelings pit. He stalks his way past them all and out of the hangar. He makes his way to the control room and pulls up the nearby signals.

Morning finds him hunched in his chair, reading the same line of words over and over. He’d scoured over every signal he could find, looking for any sign that it was Shiro. He’s onto signals that are a ways away from where they are. His eyes feel like razors when he blinks, and he swallows around a dry tongue.

A hand rests on his shoulder and he jerks upright, grabbing at his bayard. Keith catches sight of Lance before actually stabbing him, so it’s fine. His shoulders slump back down, and he tries to shake the exhaustion from his head.

“Did you sleep at all?” Lance is eyeing the paladin armor he’s still dressed in, a contrast to the regular clothes he’s wearing.

“What time is it?”

“You missed breakfast.”

That means it’s late enough that the rest of them should be ready to start looking. “Where is everyone else?”

“Hunk’s doing repairs with Coran, and Pidge is looking for any signs of Shiro. Allura’s been put on bedrest by Coran because of yesterday, and I’m here to get you to take a break.”

“No time. You wanna help?” His words feel a little conjoined, and they must sound like it too, because Lance furrows his brows.

“I’ll look, but not with you. I doubt you could recognize even the most obvious signal with how you are right now.”

“Comforting.”

“Look- just go sleep for a couple hours. We’ll wake you up if we find anything.”

“No,” he says. “I can’t do that. Shiro wanted me to lead if he disappeared, so now I’ve gotta figure out what we’re doing.”

“Wait, he wanted you to _what_? You? He wanted you to lead?”

“Yes,” he bites back. “You don’t have to like it, because I sure don’t, but I’m not just going to sit around and wait for him to turn back up.”

He shoves his way past Lance, who’s giving him that same anxiety inducing stare as yesterday, and starts down to the black lion.

She might be able to help him.

He wants to go curl up in Red, to feel her familiar, comforting, purr in the back of his mind, but he _can’t_. Shiro wanted him to try with the black lion, and if it helps him find Shiro better, then he’ll do it.

In the back of his mind, Keith wonders if Shiro was always planning on leaving again, preparing him for it in the best way he could. That thought stings, the idea that he doesn’t deserve to have Shiro back, that he’ll always end up disappearing out from under his grip.

The black lion sits tall and regal in her hangar. He stands in front of her, waiting to be let in. Nothing happens.

“Please,” he says. “I’m just trying to find him.”

She does nothing.

“You let me in before, I don’t know why you can’t now. You heard Shiro. He wants me to fly you. He wants me to lead. I have to, don’t you get it?”

Black sits there, head raised, eyes dull. He grits his teeth and lets out a low noise of frustration.

“Where is he.” Keith’s voice is flat. “You know. I know you know. Is this a test? Are you trying to see how I’ll react to him disappearing again? Not great! It’s not a great reaction!”

The room is too quiet and he yells as he tries to climb up her. She shrugs him off like he’s some sort of pest, slightly annoying but not enough to really care about. He just tries again.

“Let me in you stupid- fucking- robot!”

She pushes him off again, makes direct eye contact with him, and blows him out of the hangar.

He skids across the floor and his back hits the wall outside the doors, which shut and audibly lock themselves. He gets up and slams his fists against the door, screaming at the thing behind the metal.

“Keith?”

Keith’s voice dies in his throat as he turns to see Coran and Hunk, repair supplies in tow.

“Hunk, my boy, could I meet you in the green lion’s hangar? I’d like to have a chat with Keith.”

Hunk looks between the two of the anxiously before nodding. “Sure, I guess. Keith, do… do you want anything specific for lunch? You missed breakfast.”

His appetite’s all but died, so he shakes his head. Hunk mumbles an okay as he walks past them, staring.

“Now what’s all this about?”

“She won’t let me in,” he says, wincing at the grittiness of his own voice.

“Why do you need to get in?”

“Because she knows where he is. I know it. And Shiro wanted me to lead if he ever left, so I have to figure out how to bond with her.”

“Ah, yes! I remember Number One saying something along those lines. I would advise against it.”

“Why?”

“Because while Shiro might have thought that decision in everyone’s best interest, it is not. This loss is still very fresh, it only just happened yesterday. Healing I in order before we can begin to decide who, if anyone, will lead us.”

“You don’t think I can do it,” Keith says blandly. Defeat doesn’t sit well with him, and that’s what this feels like.

“That’s not what I said. Shiro wasn’t wrong in picking you for your qualities, he was wrong in deciding for the entire group. This is a discussion for everyone here, not just the two of you.”

“I don’t want to do it,” he whispers.

“Then you don’t have to.” Coran claps him on the shoulder. Now, I hear someone hasn’t slept yet.”

“But Shiro—”

“Will still be out there regardless of if you take a nap or not. Go rest up. I’ll get you if we find anything.”

He nods and shuffles his way down the hall. His brain is going too fast for him to sleep, though. He locks himself in the training room and calls the last level he’d been working on.

This helps he thinks, distracting himself from what’s wrong out there by fighting. The sting of the staff on his uncovered parts wakes him up a bit, and the bitter tang of blood in his mouth fuels him.

He almost doesn’t notice when someone enters the locked, he’s sure that he locked it, door and ends the simulation.

“Are you an idiot?” Pidge’s voice floats into his ears, and he narrows his eyes. Why aren’t they looking for Shiro?

“Did you find him?”

“No, and I’m not gonna be able to with you acting stupid like this. It’s lunch time. You don’t get to skip out on two meals. Either you go eat, or you go sleep. You don’t get to do anything else. Coran says he sent you off to rest almost two hours ago. This isn’t resting.”

“’M not tired. Trying to be ready.”

“Your slurred words make it sound like you’re really awake. Let’s go, you’re going to bed.”

They grab his arm and he snatches it back. “Don’t touch me.”

“Then walk by yourself.” They turn towards the door, beckoning him with their hand expectantly.

He follows them, if only to get them off his back. They shove him into his room, regardless of him asking them not to touch him.

“You’re not coming out until you’ve slept.”

The door shuts between them and he hears the lock. He tries to open it. It doesn’t budge.

Well fuck.

He strips of his armor, finally, and practically falls into the bed. It’s so soft. Just a few minutes couldn’t hurt.

Keith wakes to the sound of his door opening. Hunk is there, carrying a tray of food.

“You missed dinner,” he says quietly. “Thought you could use some food.”

 He mumbles a quiet thank you. Hunk sits on the end of his bed.

“You don’t have to do this all yourself, you know. We all want him back.”

Keith doesn’t say anything, taking a bite of what Hunk’s brought him.

“Losing someone is really hard. I can’t imagine what losing the same person twice would be like.”

This dredges up feelings that he isn’t going to deal with right now, so he swallows the bite in his mouth and looks up.

“Listen. I know you guys are all just trying to make things better, and thanks, but I don’t want to talk about it. Thank you for the food.”

Hunk sighs and stands up, frowning. “We’re here for you, man. Don’t forget that.”

He nods stiffly as Hunk leaves and finishes what he can of the food in front of him.

\---

The weeks continue in a similar way. Keith runs himself as ragged as he can before forcing himself to eat and sleep. They have no sign of Shiro.

He keeps trying with Black, because no matter what Coran said, Shiro wanted him to lead, so he needs to try. It doesn’t matter what he wants, if he tries to lead, maybe they’ll find Shiro. It usually ends up with him screaming obscenities at the black lion until she gets tired of him and makes him leave.

Afterwards he ends up in Red, trying to use her connection to find Shiro. It does nothing.

Pidge finds a signal that might, _might_ , be Shiro, and Keith’s hopes jump up so high.

They walk quietly, separately through the Galra ship, searching every nook for Shiro. Pidge hooks up to their database to see every person who’s ever been in this ship.

They’re all split up, talking quietly in their coms for what they see, when Pidge lets out a noise of distress.

“It’s a trap. We need to get out of here, now!”

Everyone spurs into action, running as sneakily as they can back the way they came, but the Galra have prepared for them.

It’s an ambush. No one comes out unscathed, but Pidge comes back the worst.  They’d screamed into the com before going silent, and everyone had done their best to rush to them. Hunk made it first, picking them out of their own pool of blood and carrying them back to his lion.

Keith stands in front of their pod, focusing on the graze on his shoulder, listening to the blood rush in his ears. It makes him uncomfortable, but he deserves all of it. He’d been too hasty, and Pidge had almost died.

“Hey,” Lance calls from behind him.

He doesn’t respond, tightening the grip he has on his injured shoulder.

“You okay?”

Keith shrugs a bit and winces. Lance comes up next to him and stares up at Pidge.

“You should get in a healing pod. That shot on your shoulder doesn’t look great.”

“It’s just a graze. I’m fine.”

“Shiro wouldn’t want you to stand there and wallow.”

He stiffens, and shoots Lance a look. “You have no idea what he would have wanted.”

“Mm, I wouldn’t say that. I’m pretty sure that idea’s a solid one.”

Keith scowls and turns his head away.

“God, this conversation is so riveting, isn’t it? Your responses are just hitting me right in the heart. Tell me how you’re really feeling, Keith. Tell me your biggest hopes and fears right here, right now.”

Lance is being sarcastic, he knows, he _knows_ , but he can’t help himself. “It’s my fault Pidge is in there.”

Lance stills beside him, and he can feel that anxious gaze on him once again, and his breath hitches. “What?”

“I… I was too eager to find Shiro and lead us straight into a trap. They could have died and it would be my fault.”

“Keith- buddy that’s not your fault.”

“It is, though. Shiro wanted me to lead and I’m doing a shit job of it.”

“You don’t have to be the leader if you don’t want to, Keith. No one here is forcing you to. We can work together all as one for a while until we get Shiro back.”

“But I _do_ have to. It’s what he wanted and I’m just _so bad_ at it. I’m so bad at this, Lance. The black lion won’t let me in, and I know she knows where Shiro is, I know she knows. And I can’t take not knowing. He’s out there. This is like Kerberos all over again, except I have nothing to start searching with.”

Lance shifts a little closer, and that look has gotten worse, and something thick lodges in his throat and his eyes burn. “I-I just don’t know how to do any of this, and I can’t ask him for help because he’s gone again, and I’m fucking it up with our first time out by almost letting Pidge get killed.”

His eyes spill over and a small, weak noise pushes its way out his mouth. Lance’s arm comes around in a side hug and he sucks in a sharp breath.

“Just let it out, come on, feel it.” Lance rocks his feet, swaying them both, and Keith doesn’t cling, but he lets the arm around him stay there while he covers his mouth the muffle his sobs.

Pidge stays that same deathly pale color highlighted by blue the entire time that they stand there together. He doesn’t cry for long, can’t let himself be weak like this in front of Lance, but he does stay there with the arm wrapped around him once he’s done, allowing himself this small comfort.

“You should get in a healing pod.”

Keith agrees, his everything feels tired. He allows Lance to shuffle him into the pod.

“See you when you wake up?”

He nods as he falls under cold, cold air.

**Author's Note:**

> well this kinda sucks a lil but ive been in a huge writing slump recently soi got this idea and here we have it  
> hopefully ill be writing more son, but i make no promises


End file.
